A Point in Time
January 27, 2014
I have to confess that my fingers are on the keyboard but my mind is blank this morning… so I decided to just put my fingers on the keyboard and let my mind roam freely and see what I come up with.
Some days are like that… You have a compass and a route map and a planned destination. You believe you have all you need to get to where you want or need to be but… You suddenly, often for no apparent reason, find yourself directionless and “lost”. That’s where my brain is today.
Believe it or not, I often re-read my journal throughout the day to remind me to focus and reinforce what I believe to be true. It seems a bit narcissistic but the truth is … I write in my “bedside book” to keep a record of where my head is, how full my “tool box” is and because it’s a discipline. By committing to detailing every day I’m setting up a “marker” on my path… which means if I do get lost… all I have to do is find a past marker and then I know I’m back on track.
But back to the “blank canvas” that was my mind this morning. The cause of it was all down to the “day job”… or rather the lack of sleep last night because I let the day job get into my head.
By now you all know that I love and live for words and writing, but my day job is numbers based. I’m growing in confidence but numbers still have the capacity to make me doubt myself. Add into that a Finance Director who, possibly without realising it (or possibly with full intent) makes me nervous with his “interrogative” style and the prospect of a three-hour “finance review” with him this morning (to forensically inspect every invoice in and invoice out for the past six months) and you can see why my head is full of nothing (well actually, it’s full of trepidation…)
But I cast an eye over my journal and gave myself a stern talking to.
I remind myself constantly about not trying to look too far down the road, about taking things a step at a time so that by process of “lift leg, drop leg” you move to some place different. And yet, last night, I found myself trying to predict the events at the meeting today, hoping to foresee each scenario and forecast the outcome. Of course I couldn’t. The only thing I found myself with was a headache and about two hours sleep.
But days like that happen. With the best will in the world, there will be times when you temporarily forget what you have learned, you will disregard what you know to be true and you will find yourself in a “not-so-great” place. The key at this point is to try and avoid getting in to a tailspin. As I was fretting about my day ahead I knew I wasn’t doing myself any good… I knew that it was a waste of energy but still my brain refused to “let it lie”… So I made a conscious effort to do other things (I made sizable inroads on my latest hand stitched patchwork quilt; I made sure my outlook calendar has every appointment and anniversary logged for the next year and I managed to commit some new poetry to paper)… but all the while the demons kept opening the drawer in the filing cabinet of my brain marked “Finance Review Meeting”… and however hard I slammed it shut… it just kept opening…
In the end I grew tired of trying to block it out completely so I gave it a little bit of headspace… knowing, because of my personality and traits and tendencies, that it probably would cause me to sleep less soundly and to make me not want to get out of bed this morning… but also knowing that, by 5pm I would be out enjoying myself with Lovely Husband… with the meeting a thing of the past. So I am going to focus on 5pm and onwards.
By then I will be back at home (I’m finishing the “day job” early as Lovely Husband and I have tickets to see one of our all-time favourites playing live… we’ve both been fans for thirty years and they are one of the CDs that we can both put on in the car and enjoy equally…. We have a list of “bands we want to see live”…. Regrettably some of them are no longer in existence… so when we get the chance to cross one off the list we always do… ). So I know that, by the time I get home I will be in a different place from where I am right now. And in order to enjoy the evening ahead I know I have to “park” whatever has gone on during the day. The simple fact of the matter is you cannot turn back time. Once a point has passed… It is done; past tense; history.
I can review it; learn from it; commit it to memory so that I carry it with me in the future… but I cannot change it.
So wherever your path leads today, remember that it is just a point in time… that you will always have good days; bad days; great days and nightmare days… but with support, patience, planning and counting to ten, one-hundred, one-thousand… you can still maintain a degree of control – even during the most daunting of times. A degree of control, the support of people around you, and being kind to yourself… keep them in the “in case of emergency break glass”, section of your brain (and always have the hammer handy for when you need it).
So here’s to a positive start to the traditional working week… and remember…
YOU CAN DO THIS.
With a Hug